POEMS, PROSE & POTPOURRI
Updated: 05/10/10
We will share various poems, prose and other items here. You are encouraged to contribute your favorite. We date the items as they arrive so that in the event of duplicates, we can give credit for the first one received. There are two ways to view this page . . .
- We will insert the newest addition to the collection first. That way, if you get to one you have already read, you will know you have read them all.
- Or . . . use the links below to make a selection. The last item in the list is one of the best.
SO AS A CHILD MIGHT LEARN . . . WE LEARN FROM LIVING
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD (2006)
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE
You are cordially invited to A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!!
GEORGE CARLIN'S VIEWS ON AGING
GEORGE CARLIN'S VIEWS ON HOW TO STAY YOUNG
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2004 WHEN . . .
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING
IF ABBOT AND COSTELLO WERE ALIVE TODAY
A FRIEND IS LIKE A GOOD BRA . . .
LAWYERS AND ENGINEERS ON A TRAIN
BIG MUD PUDDLES AND SUNNY YELLOW DANDELIONS
KEEP YOUR FORK - THE BEST IS YET TO COME
OLD COUPLE AT MacDONALDS (A lesson on sharing)
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW
* * * * *
newest addition to the collection
SO AS A CHILD MIGHT LEARN . . . WE LEARN FROM LIVING
Fred found this in his Mother's stuff.
So as a child might learn . . .
Click below to start a short slide show. Turn your speakers on.
It may take a couple seconds for it to load these beautiful photographs of earth.
Hit 'enter' to move from photograph to photograph after the labels appear.
images/Poems, Prose,Potpourri/Ourplanetearth.pps
[ Harvey N. ]
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD (2006)
Click below to start a short slide show. Turn your speakers on.
It may take a couple seconds for it to load.
images/Poems, Prose,Potpourri/SevenWonders.pps
[Dennis S.]
The government
recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up
with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't
even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month,
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.
Still,
you might think the best financial advice is, don't have children if you want to
be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.
What
do you get for your $160,140?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your
stocks performed that day.
For
$160,140, you never have to grow up. You
get to:
* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play
hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You
have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watch Saturday morning cartoons,
* go to Disney movies, and
*
wish on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and
collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for
Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For
$160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never
wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You
get a front row seat to history to witness the:
* first step,
* first word,
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.
You
get to be immortal:
[Dennis S.]
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE
This poem was reportedly
written
by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
(It is also used in a popular song)
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
[ Unknown ]
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat
man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.
[ Bea A. ]
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus
Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
Qualifications
I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
Occupational Background
I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)
Skills Work Experiences
I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)
Educational Background
In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
Major Accomplishments
I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).
I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.
References
In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47).
[ Norma P. ]
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
You are cordially invited to A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!!
Date: Every day. Traditionally, December 25 but He's
always around, so the date is flexible....
Time: Whenever you're ready. (Please don't be late,
though, or you'll miss out on all the fun!)
Place: In your heart.... He'll meet you there.
(You'll hear Him knock.)
Attire: Come as you are... grubbies are okay. He'll
be washing our clothes anyway. He said something about new white robes and
crowns for everyone who stays till the last.
Tickets: Admission is free. He's already paid for
everyone... (He says you wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway...it cost
Him everything He had. But, you do need to accept the ticket!!
Refreshments: New wine, bread, and a far-out drink
He calls "Living Water,"followed by a supper that promises to be out
of this world!
Gift Suggestions: Your life. He's one of those people who already has everything else. (He's very generous in return though. Just wait until you see what He has for you!)
Entertainment: Joy, Peace, Truth, Light, Life, Love, Real Happiness, Communion with God, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Power, Eternity in Paradise, Contentment, and much more! (All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust us, it's worth it)
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading,
this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
[ Karl A. ]
T'was
the month after Christmas, and all
through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The
cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When
I got on the scales there arose such a number
When I walked to the
store (less a walk than a
lumber).
I'd
remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The
wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you,
please."
As
I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I
said to myself, as only I can
" You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!
"
So--away
with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chips
Every
last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I
won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only on a long celery stick.
I
won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm
hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable
to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
[Bea A.]
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the
"seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for
$1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and
forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned
her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
[ Walt A.]
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the
street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.
We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to
cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.
The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?
Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and
clean,
And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green.
The milkman used to go from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.
There was a time when mailed letters came right to your
door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store.
The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was
sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."
Remember when the words "I do" meant that you
really did,
And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid.
T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a
mistake",
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would
take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every
mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, trying for a better way.
And every year that passed us by brought new and greater
things,
We now can even program phones with music or with rings.
Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle
spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
[ Karl A.]
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness."
"Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he said. "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."
[Karl A.]
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body
is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of
tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings;
Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from
worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! But,
I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that
you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you
have the idea.
THIS DAY IS YOURS DON'T THROW IT AWAY.
May God Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world"
[ Becky H.]
GEORGE CARLIN'S VIEWS ON AGING
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
[ Walt A. ]
GEORGE CARLIN'S VIEWS ON HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day.
[ Walt A.]
1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? Boxing
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving
backward?
Niagara Falls. (The rim is
worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons
of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? Baseball.
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? Strawberry.
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a
real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine--it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the
bottle?
The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear
buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left
in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped
off at the stems.
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common words. Name two of them. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?" In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other six. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? Lettuce.
12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S." Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
Now, don't you feel smarter?
[ Karl A. ]
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
* * * * *
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
* * * * *
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a Church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those
who passed trash
against us."
* * * * *
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
* * * * *
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
* * * * *
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
* * * * *
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
* * * * *
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
* * * * *
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
* * * * *
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
* * * * *
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
[ Norma P. ]
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnites - I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy
have a nice day
[ Tony and Marie S.]
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away."
"This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else --- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
“No, they're all at the funeral."
[ John R. 1-29-04]
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2004 WHEN . . .
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You email your friend who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not keeping in touch with friends is that they do not have email addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business-like manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and have worked for four different companies.
10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list and keep nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this message/email from a "friend" who never talks to you anymore except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there wasn't a No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.
[Internet Advisor]
COUNTING THE "F"s . . . Count the "F"s in the text below:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS . . . (then, see below)
Managed it ? Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay? Do you think there are three?
How many ? 3?
Wrong, there are 6 !!--no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.
[Karl A.]
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,
"God, why do women cry so easily?" God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
[Becky H.]
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ...........
Are you ready for this? (Scroll down)
Are you sure? (Scroll down)
"HEBREWS"
[Norma P.]
The teacher asked her class to write notes to God.
Here are some they handed in:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
[Walt A.]
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING
PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN
BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
[Ted and Carol W.]
On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer.
I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you
want me to live for Sixty years. Let me have twenty
years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.
Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks,
make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't Think so. Dog gave you back ten,
so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy.
Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man.
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow
gave back, and the ten dog gave back and
the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next
ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of
the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
[Walt A.]
IF ABBOT AND COSTELLO WERE ALIVE TODAY
ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up
on me? Oh well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
[Internet Advisor from Dave L.]
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I say we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...
[Walt A.]
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
[Bea A.]
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . ..and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..."
Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy Cigarettes. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes, Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers. Newsreels before the movie, P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601). Party lines,
Peashooters, Howdy Dowdy, 45 RPM records, Green Stamps, Hi-Fi's, Metal ice cubes trays with levers, Mimeograph paper, Beanie and Cecil, Roller-skate keys, Cork pop guns, Drive ins, Studebakers, Washtub wringers, The Fuller Brush Man, Reel-To-Reel tape recorders, Tinkertoys, Erector Sets, The Fort Apache Play Set, Lincoln Logs, 15 cent McDonald hamburgers, 5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum, Penny candy, 35 cent a gallon gasoline, Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"? The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
[Jim S.]
A FRIEND IS LIKE A GOOD BRA . . .
Hard to find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always lifts you up
Never lets you down or leaves you hanging
Makes you look better
And always stays close to your heart!!!
[Norma P.]
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.
You are special - Don't EVER forget it."
[Carol Z.]
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
[Walt and Linda]
One day, a man went to visit a church. He got there early, parked his car, and got out. Another car pulled up near and the driver got out and said, "I always park there! You took my place!"
The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You took my place!" The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.
After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, "That's where I always sit! You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still said nothing.
Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandal feet.
Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?" The visitor replied, "I took your place."
[Becky H.]
For all you Parents & Grandparents out there......
I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the REWARDS listed this way. It's nice, really nice! The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140!
That doesn't even touch college tuition.
For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert your child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich". It is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history; to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called Grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN (and grandchildren) !!!!!!
[Walt A.]
VIRUS ALERT: new Virus called the Senile Virus. Infecting many computers owned by people over 50 years old!! Symptoms of the virus are as follows:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachments to e-mail.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
LAWYERS AND ENGINEERS ON A TRAIN
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
[Norma P.]
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
[Karl & Phyllis A.]
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together."
After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then the world came together."
[Bea A.]
Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs.
They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly wisdom looked it over and let it pass. Ball one! Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws.
The bases are loaded. The Lord then turns to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to bat stepped Grace. Bob said "he sure doesn't look like much!" Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace.
Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch.
To the shock of everyone, GRACE HIT THE BALL HARDER THAN ANYONE HAD EVER SEEN.
But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing to the ground. Then it continued over the fence for a home run! The Lord's team won.
The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base, but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why.
The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith, and Wisdom will get you on base, but only MY Grace can get you home. MY Grace is the only thing Satan cannot steal."
May God go before you today and show you his Grace in everything you do.
[Norma P.]
BIG
MUD PUDDLES AND SUNNY YELLOW DANDELIONS
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.
When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.
When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.
When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.
When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."
When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.
I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away
~Author Unknown~
[Norma P.]
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St.Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.
1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) How many seconds are there in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but .....I'll give you credit for that answer. "How about the second one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, Run."
[Norma P.]
By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his Sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."
The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement. "Yep, one pair of eyes is to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head is to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she. And the third pair is here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."
The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord." She is soft", Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."
The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for WOMEN are truly amazing." Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give
[Norma P.]
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed
destination.
[Nan H.]
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else
To let go is not to cut myself off. It is the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to change or blame another. It is to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective. It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live in the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more.
While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
[Karl A.]
Never looked at it like this before ..............
A woman was asked by a co-worker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The co-worker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see." This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.
[Norma P.]
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Bible, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
[Walt A.]
Counseling Corner Page
We'd like to dedicate this article to all the Mothers, Stepmothers and Significant Women in our students' lives. Women so often grapple with the "Superwoman Syndrome", still trying to "do it all." Here are some items to read and perhaps put on the refrigerator for your family to see.
We hope these make your life a little easier!
HOME RULES
THE EIGHT SUPERWOMAN COMMANDMENTS
1. MY TIME IS VALUABLE...I AM NOT ON TWENTY-FOUR CALL.
2. I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT AT EVERYTHING.
3. EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE DONE.
4. I MUST LEARN TO SAY NO.
5. I MUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AS I TAKE CARE OF OTHERS.
6. I CAN DELEGATE IT, BUY IT, ASK FOR HELP OR NOT DO IT AT ALL.
7. I MUST GIVE MY TIME FIRST TO THE PEOPLE AND THINGS MOST IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE;
8. I MUST FOCUS ON WHAT IS POSITIVE IN MY LIFE, NOT ON WHAT IS NEGATIVE OR TRIVIAL.
Adopted from Hansen Shaevitz, Marjorie: The Superwornan Syndrome, New York: Warner Books, 1984
At least indulge yourself on Mother's Day if not the rest of the year.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
[Fred found this page in his file.]
Help me in my divine task of parenthood.
Help me to see my children's problems through their eyes;
Keep ever before me my own childhood so that I will not expect too much.
Give me the patience of the silent stars; give me a sense of humor.
Help me to win them through love instead of compelling them through fear;
Help me to teach them that every home is an altar and that every wish is a prayer.
Help me to live my own life above doubt and skepticism;
Help me to radiate faith in the basic goodness of life;
Help me to keep the ideals of youth aglow in my own life.
Give me the strong hand for guidance when youth falters and would turn back;
Help me to teach them to live bravely and to meet defeat courageously;
Help me to teach them that a man’s real character is what he is; alone with himself in the dark.
Help me to teach them that the value of their lives will be measured by the service they give.
Help me to teach them that true happiness is found, not in things, but in the unfolding of their minds and their souls.
Help me to make my life go on in theirs, bigger, finer, nobler than I ever dared to be.
~Author Unknown~
Ever wonder about the abbreviation of ASAP?
We often think in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. If we think of this abbreviation, A.S.A.P., in a different manner, we may begin to find a new way to deal with our rough days along the way.
There's work to do, deadlines to meet.
You've got no time to spare.
But as you hurry and scurry ...
(Always Say A Prayer)
ASAP
In the midst of family chaos,
"quality time" is rare.
Do your best; let God do the rest. ..
(Always Say A Prayer)
ASAP
It may seem like your worries
are more than you can bear.
Slow down and take a breather...
(Always Say A Prayer)
ASAP
God knows how stressful life can be
and wants to ease our cares.
He'll respond to all your needs...
(Always Say A Prayer)
ASAP
Today I'm saying a little prayer
that God will send a smile to you
and send you special blessings
through everything you have to do.
~Author Unknown~
[Bea A.]
HOME ON THE ROAD (To the tune of "Home on the Range")
Oh, give me a home
that will roam where I roam,
A home that will stay where I stay.
No garden to hoe, no tall grass to mow,
And a flock of new neighbors each day.A home that will go
from the cold and the snow,
And park in the valley sun.
You pull in your place
and scan each new face,
And soon you have met every one.Folks talk of their farms
and exchange a few yarns.
They talk of their families back home.
Of their aches and pains,
and their shuffle-board games
And all of the places they roam.And the people you meet
just cannot be beat.
They are happy and witty and gay.
May we meet again,
my neighbor and friend,
As we roam on the endless highway.Chorus:
Home, home on the road,
Where all the trailerites throng.
With never a fear
of no lodging place near,
Cause we're pulling our trailer along.-Written by Lou H. Weathers
[Betty "TL April 1994"]
A LIVING
BIBLE
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no
shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant, kind of esoteric and very, very
bright. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want
to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it. One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans,
his T-shirt, and wild hair.
The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a
seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.
Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.
(Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!) By now the people
are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. Now the deacon is in his eighties, and has silver-gray hair, and wears a three-piece suit. He is a godly man, very elegant, very dignified very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget. "Be careful how you live. You may be the only 'Bible' some people will ever read".
~Author Unknown~
[Jo and Harold]
KEEP YOUR FORK - THE BEST IS YET TO COME
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order,"
She contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing, " she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important, " the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.
The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, "Keep your fork." It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, "What's with the fork?" Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come." The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye.
He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp on heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing, the favorite Bible and the Fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
~Author Unknown~
[?]
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE - THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her bush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.. they always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 2-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under a white dress.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE - THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
6) Laughing is good exercise. Its like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Its frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.~Author Unknown~
[Brad H].
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares . . . Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
~Author Unknown~
[Becky]
The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.
~Harold B. Lee~
[Fred found this one.]
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!". So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
~Author Unknown~
[Walt & Linda]
OLD COUPLE AT MacDONALDS (A lesson on sharing)
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...
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…"The teeth".
~Author Unknown~
[Walt & Linda]
"Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you can not visit, not even in your dreams.
"You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and he bends you to his might that his arrow may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable."
~Author Unknown~
[An old article Mary Lou found ]
There are but two lasting bequests we can give our children,
The first is roots.
The last is wings.
~Author Unknown~
{One of Fred's favorites}
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW
Thou shalt love, honor and respect the new couple.
Thou shalt allow them complete independence.
Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.
Thou shalt not find fault.
Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.
Thou shalt not expect them to visit you too often.
Thou shalt not give advise unless requested.
Thou shalt not mention how much you look forward to grandchildren.
Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it is different from your own.
Thou shalt petition daily the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.
~ by Iola M. Irwin~
[An old article Mary Lou found ]
A POEM FOR THOSE OVER 40
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
and a ram was a cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
and a gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity ,
and a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy,
you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to a fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash;
but when it happens, they wish they were dead.
~Author Unknown~
[Walt & Linda]
DON'T BE AFRAID TO FAIL
You've failed many times,
although you may not remember.
You fell down the first time you tried to walk.
You almost drowned the first time you tried to
swim, didn't you?
Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat?
Heavy hitters, the ones who hit the most home runs, also strike out a lot.
R. H. Macy failed seven times before his store
in New York caught on.
English novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564
books.
Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs.
Don't worry about failure.
Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.
A message as published in the
Wall Street Journal
by United Technologies Corporation,
Hartford, Connecticut 06101
[Fred]
HOW DO YOU LIVE YOUR
DASH
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning...to the end.
He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.(1934 -1998)
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
~Author Unknown~
[Walt & Linda]